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Life is real only then, when "I am"

Gurdjieff : consciousness and the automatic experiencings

Prologue

mercredi 3 octobre 2018, par Cardoso de Castro

honnêteté
honestidade
honesty
honneur
honra
honradez
honor
honour
retitude
retidão

During the period of my greatest occupation with writing, the quality tendance
tendência
tendency
qualité
qualidade
calidad
quality
attribut
atributo
atribute
guna
gunas
of my labor travail
travaux
tâche
labeur
trabalho
labor
trabajo
tarefa
task
-ability and its productivity was always the result of, and was dependent upon, the length and gravity of the constating with my active mentation intellection
intelecção
intelección
cognição
cognición
cognition
mentation
of the automatic—that is, passive—experiencings of suffering douleur
dor
dolor
pain
lype
souffrance
sofrimento
sofrimiento
suffering
proceeding in me concerning these two dualité
dyade
duality
dualidad
dualidade
dois
two
deux
, for me, nearest women [his wife and mother mère
mãe
mother
madre
].

For already from the very beginning, when I was physically quite helpless, I approached my writing feeling sure beyond a shadow of doubt of the hopelessness of their health and of their imminent deaths. From then on, there began to happen this : as soon as my active mentation in regard to the writing question Frage
fragen
question
questão
questionner
questionar
pergunta
perguntar
pregunta
preguntar
weakened a little, immediately all the spiritual parts of my presence Anwesenheit
présence
parousia
presença
presence
parusía
began to associate in me only about them.

As every kind of association about them entailed always the process of suffering—so I, in order not to experience this unpleasant process, immediately buried myself in the question of writing.

It is necessary here to confess that my sufferings were chiefly on behalf of my wife.

In this, as I now understand verstehen
entendre
comprendre
entender
compreender
comprender
understand
it, my so to say "implacable revolt" against the injustice of casual, self Selbst
soi-même
Soi
si mesmo
Self
si mismo
A non-personal, all-inclusive awareness.
-willed destiny Schicksal 
Geschick
Ge-schick
schicksalhaft
destin
co-destin
fado
destiny
destino
fate
destinal
destinée
played a great part.

The trouble was that while I was considered by many people at that time (and perhaps even now still am, I don’t know connaissance
gnosis
intuition intellectuelle
gnôsis
connaître
conhecer
gnose
knowledge
know
conocer
conocimiento
conhecimento
jñāna
jnāna
jnana
) the sole man on earth Terre
Terra
Earth
Tierra
Gea
Khouen
prithvî
who could cure completely this illness of hers, nevertheless, at the given es gibt
« il y a »
dar-se
haver-se
Gegebenen
la donnée
o dado
dação
given
Gegebenheit
donation
datidade
givenness
gift
time, because of my own illness, I could not do this.

The aplomb which I manifested just now can be, if wished, justified and adequately understood by every reader if he will read only one chapter from my writings on the subject sujet
objet
sujeito
objeto
subject
object
Subjekt
Objekt
of "the laws of vibrations."

And thus, with turbulent feelings Gefühle
sentiment
sentiments
sentimentos
feelings
sentimientos
emotion
emoção
emoción
emotions
emoções
emociones
bhava
and wild thoughts, swaying as if blind drunk, I somehow made my way Weg
chemin
caminho
way
camino
from the park to my room.

There, without undressing, I lay down on my bed and, contrary to all habits, fell asleep immediately and slept through the whole night tenèbre
ténèbres
nuit
trevas
escuridão
darkness
noite
night
noche
.

And the next morning, when I did awake despertar
éveil
awake
awakening
despiertar
Bodhi
, the constatation that I had made the previous night recalled itself.

I began once more to remember these things and to compare them.

And this time, beyond any doubt, I again established that during the first three trinité
trois
triade
ternaire
trindade
três
tríade
ternário
trinity
three
triad
Trimûrti
Trimurti
years of my authorship, my labor-ability, as well as my productivity, in reality Bestand
Grundbestand
Realität 
réalité
realité fondamentale
réalité subsistante
real
réel
realidad
realidade
reality
at all times strictly corresponded in its duration with the length and quality of the, so to say, "degree of contact" between my consciousness Gewissen
conscience
consciência
conciencia
consciencia
Bewusstsein
Bewußtsein
consciencidade
consciousness
conscient
purusârtha
samvid
bodha
cit
chit
and the suffering proceeding in me on Nichtsein
non-être
não-ser
non-being
not-being
non-ser
non ser
me on
behalf of my mother and my wife.

My labor-ability at that time was indeed phenomenal, for I wrote and rewrote at least 10,000 kilos of paper and touched upon almost all questions which could possibly arise in the mentation of man in general.

The establishment at this time, with a fresh mind esprit
espírito
spirit
mente
mind
manas
mental
, of such a fact perplexed me seriously.

It perplexed me seriously because I already knew, and had been convinced before without any doubt, thanks to my own manifold experience, that although it is possible to attain any self-imposed aim it can only be done exclusively through conscious suffering.

To explain my case, however, by such an objective possibility was utterly impossible.

And it was impossible to explain because in this particular case I suffered unconsciously, while this process proceeded in me automatically in accordance with my typicality and the accidental crystallization in it of corresponding psychic factors.

The interest that arose in my being Seiende
Seiendes
Seienden
l'étant
étants
ente
entes
sendo
beings
being
this morning was of such strength that the "being-thirst" possessing me—to find at any cost an exit from my difficult situation—entirely disappeared, and in its place Ort
lieu
lugar
location
locus
place
arose an unconquerable desire to learn the reason dianoia
la raison
raison discursive
reason
razão
razón
for this.

Namely, to learn why and in what manner my suffering in this instance could assist in the increase of my labor-ability.

The beneficent result for me from this "Inner innen
intérieur
interior
inner
außen
aussen
extérieur
exterior
outer
Innenseins
être intérieur
ser interior
interiority
antaratva
-World Revolution" occurring within me was that from that moment on I could freely, without influence of partial feelings, again think denken
pensar
penser
think
pensamento
pensée
pensamiento
thinking
in my habitual way.

The totality Ganze
Ganzheit
Ganzsein
Ganzseinkönnen 
le tout
totalité
être-tout
pouvoir-être-tout
intégralité
entièreté
o todo
totalidade
ser-todo
ser-um-todo
nikhila
totality
of such mentation of mine led to this, that, in the evening while watching the children around the Christmas tree and their unrestrained joy, there suddenly, as if by itself, came into existence Existenz
existence
exister
existentia
existência
existencia
bios
in me a conviction of the full possibility of attaining all the three tasks indispensable for me, through the forces of the inner-world struggle. Namely, those forces which arise in every person Einzelnhet
singularité
singularidade
singularity
singularidad
individuality
individualidade
individualidad
individuation
individuação
individu
indivíduo
individuum
individual
vereinzelt
isolé
Vereinzeltung
isolement
Vereinzelung
esseulement
singularização
créature
criatura
creature
personne
pessoa
person
due to incessant friction between his consciousness and the automatic experiencings of his nature nature
physis
phusis
phúsis
natura
natureza
naturaleza
.

I remember very well that because of my just-mentioned conviction my whole being was filled as if by some singular, never till now experienced, feeling of joy.

Simultaneously with this, in me of itself, and without any manipulation on my part, there appeared the sensation expérience
aisthesis
experiência
sensação
impressão
impression
impresión
sensación
sensation
sentience
vāsanā
of so to say "self-remembering," also of a never-before-experienced vigor. (Tr. Orage et alii, p. 39-42)


Voir en ligne : G. I. GURDJIEFF

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